IN TIMES OF GRIEF

In writing about her recent grief, and thinking of writing a manual on it, Tania Kinindersley of Backwards in High Heels, googled “grief”, found several entries and

Then I found this, on the website of the dear old BBC, and all the bells went off:

Physical symptoms may include: hollowness in the stomach, over-sensitivity to noise, tightness in the chest or throat, weakness in muscles, lack of energy, a dry mouth, fatigue and breathlessness.

Feelings may include: sadness, anger, guilt, self-reproach, anxiety, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, shock, emancipation, relief, numbness and yearning for the dead person.

Behavioural changes may include: insomnia and sleep interruption, appetite disturbances, absent-minded behaviour, social withdrawal, dreams of the deceased, avoiding reminders of the deceased, sighing, restless overactivity, crying, visiting places or treasuring objects that are reminders of the lost loved one.

Thoughts may include: disbelief, confusion, preoccupation with the deceased, a sense of presence of the deceased, auditory and visual hallucinations.

I’m sure that sooner or later – let’s hope later – we’ll all experience many of these symptoms of grief.  Tania wrote that she had many, but not all of them.  What struck me was that the list was something I should copy and ‘document’. There are so many platitudes that are trotted out in times of grief, but I wondered if the list and a brief accompanying word by me would be an appropriate thing to send to others as the occasion arose.  Something hand-written, to go along with a printed page, to this effect: “They say these are the symptoms of grief. I know you’ll experience many of them, but I hope that as each day passes everything will be just a bit better for you, and that time will ease what you are feeling now.”

Only if we barely knew the deceased to I send a store-bought sympathy card. Usually I send an appropriate photo card of my own making. I’ve developed a small repertoire of brief letters to personalize to suit the people involved, but perhaps this list might be the most helpful thing they could receive. What do you think?

When you are

Sorrowful –

Look again

Into your heart,

and

you shall see

that in truth

you are weeping

for that which

has been your

delight