THE MOCK TURTLE'S SONG

                                      Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?

This is the Mock Turtle as imagined by an artist called Snugglestab.  `

MOCK - Adjective

Not authentic or real, but without the intention to deceive.

"a mock-Georgian red brick house"

synonyms:

imitation, artificial, man-made, manufactured, simulated, synthetic, ersatz, plastic, so-called, fake, false, faux, reproduction, replica, facsimile, dummy, model, toy, make-believe, sham, spurious, bogus, counterfeit, fraudulent, forged, pseudo, pretended

Will you, won’t you – will he, nil he. Willy-nilly, our mock POTUS makes decrees and, soon after that, changes his (alleged) mind. He’s waffled on most of the issues that confront us today: Deportation raids, retaliation attacks on Iran, back and forth with threats of tariffs for Chines goods, staying in NATO, and add in topics like Russia, Syria, and Obama care.

It appears that as soon as he “runs his mouth” on an issue, saner advisers around him bring him back to reality. He called off retaliation against Iran’s downing of a drone, because he was told 150 people would die. Well, more than that would have died if the conflict had escalated.

I hate to say this, but I do agree with the Chinese Defense Ministry spokesman who said "No strategy should go against the times. The trend of the world is mighty and overwhelming. Those who follow it will prosper while those who resist will perish. Peace, development and win-win cooperation are the trends of our times. Any strategy that is closed and exclusive, which is against the general trends, is doomed to failure." He also argued that "no strategy should harm the well-being of people all over the world" or "underscore the confrontation side of relations," calling for greater international dialogue and less unilateral behavior.

I like that “any strategy… which is against the general trends.” Immediately, global warming comes to mind. He never waffles on his stance on that topic. Maybe he can’t – he’s got too many cronies in industries that contribute to the world pollution.

Well, enough about the POTUS. I do go on and on about him, but he just goes against my grain. I’d just like to shake him silly – willy-nilly.

           

The Curmudgeon has spoken.

BRING BACK THAT MAGIC FINGER

I am reprising a post from January 2013. I’ve got someone special here with us this weekend, so I prepared this posting in advance.

I'm sometimes very glad that we’ve not got the power to read each other’s minds. Surely I wouldn’t be thinking this way if we did have the power, but there are so many times that I want to shout at people, tell them off, tell them what I think of their conduct or attitudes. Not nice, not nice, I know. 

I am invariably polite. You’ll rarely hear me say, for instance “I like that dress,” or “I like that haircut.” What I’ll say will be something like “What a dress!” or “That haircut is you!” There’s a subtle difference there, and there’s no point in antagonizing some poor being who’s probably trying her best. I do try my own best, and it may not suit everyone else.

There’s a lovely saying, attributed to Elsie de Wolfe: “Be pretty if you can, be witty if you must, but be gracious if it kills you.” Sometimes I’ve had to be gracious until my teeth hurt!

I knew a gal once, a friend of a friend, and she and I got talking about people we have no use for. She said she wished she had a magic finger that she could point, just like a kid uses his forefinger and points it like a gun, and just cock the thumb trigger, and ‘poof’, they’d be gone. I’ve been mulling over the idea ever since we had that conversation.*

I suppose it’s good we don’t have this ability. It’s a simplistic solution - and just think of the possible ramifications - but don’t you too sometimes wish you had a magic finger like that? (other than that finger?) 

But then, I wonder who might use that magic finger on me? I’d better watch my p’s and q’s.

*And in these years since the 2016 elections, I too often wish I had that magic finger for real.

THE CURMUDGEON IS LOOSE AGAIN

I am sometimes very glad that we’ve not got the power to read each other’s minds.  Surely I wouldn’t be thinking this way if we did have the power, but there are so many times that I want to shout at people, tell them off, tell them what I think of their conduct or attitudes.  Not nice, not nice, I know. 

I am invariably polite.  You’ll rarely hear me say, for instance “I like that dress,” or “I like that haircut.”  What I’ll say will be something like “What a dress!” or “That haircut is you!”  There’s a subtle difference there, and there’s no point in antagonizing some poor being who’s probably trying her best. I do try my own best, and it may not suit everyone else.

There’s a lovely saying, attributed to Elsie de Wolfe: “Be pretty if you can, be witty if you must, but be gracious if it kills you.”  Sometimes I’ve had to be gracious until my teeth hurt!

I knew a gal once, a friend of a friend, and she and I got talking about people we have no use for.  She said she wished she had a magic finger that she could point, just like a kid uses his forefinger and points it like a gun, and just cock the thumb trigger, and ‘poof’, they’d be gone. I’ve been mulling over the idea ever since we had that conversation.

Most of the rest of this was posted on my blog back in January of 2013. I apologize to any of my readers who are enamored of our current President, but sometimes I really wish I could use the magic finger on him. There must be times when even his loyal troops cringe at the things he says, especially, as he’s done lately, when he labels as “evil” any one opposed to his thinking.

It’s probably the same for most people, but there are several prominent people, entertainers and politicians among them, that I just don’t care for on looks alone. With our current POTUS, it’s looks and everything else about him.  

I suppose it’s good we don’t have this magic finger. It’s a simplistic solution - and just think of the possible ramifications - but don’t you too sometimes wish you had a magic finger like that? (other than that finger?) 

But then, I wonder who might use that magic finger on me?  I’d better watch my p’s and q’s.

WE NEED A SACKFUL OF SOLOMONS

I had an “oldie but goodie” blog to trot out for today’s post, but I’ve relabeled it for anytime in the future because this morning two news items caught my attention.

“What right have feminists to march in and say we don’t want this anymore?”  This was the BBC’s Anne Robinson on the topic of “grid girls.”

These are the gorgeous, usually well-endowed young gals who get to spend a few hours at a motorcycle or sport car race, mingle with the teams and drivers, get suitably outfitted for free, and all for a nice fee of around £180 in England, $230 or so on this side of the pond, and an unknown amount of Euros, Yen, or Dirhams (Well, the Dirhams are moot because there’ll be no more rid girls at the Abu Dhabi and Bahrain Formula 1 races, and they’re on their way out elsewhere on the circuits.)

The gals love what they’re doing, and don't at all feel they're being exploited. Being weekend or occasional grid girls is not their main occupation. All are otherwise “suitable employed.” It is said that they “are clearly at odds with societal norms.” I say “let them be the judge of that.”

Political correctness is one thing, common sense is another. We need a sackful of Solomons.

Speaking of common sense, where were Melania Trump’s minders yesterday when she trotted out that jacket bearing the phrase “I really don’t care, do u?” First of all, her destination was a place that is sensitive to everyone these days. She really should care, and maybe she does – or is she just going through the motions. When questioned, various “sources” had various reasons why she wore the jacket. Some say she wore it to show that her wardrobe does have a few inexpensive items in it. Some say she was commenting on a completely different topic.

Most of us don’t care for the why of it – maybe she just pulled a random jacket out of her vast closet - but we do care that her actions reflect poorly on her and, perhaps, on the rest of us. There’s no “#me too” about this incident.

That’s it for this Friday – the Curmudgeon has spoken.

THINGS I HATE

The Pleasures of Hating

by Laure-Anne Bosselaar

I hate Mozart. Hate him with that healthy

pleasure one feels when exasperation has

crescendoed, when lungs, heart, throat,

and voice explode at once: I hate that! —

there’s bliss in this, rapture. My shrink

tried to disabuse me, convinced I use Amadeus

as a prop: Think further; your father perhaps?

I won’t go back, think of the shrink

with a powdered wig, pinched lips, mole:

a transference, he’d say, a relapse: so be it.

I hate broccoli, chain saws, patchouli, bra-

clasps that draw dents in your back, roadblocks,

men in black kneesocks, sandals and shorts —

I love hating that. Loathe stickers on tomatoes,

jerky, deconstruction, nazis, doilies. I delight

in detesting. And love loving so much after that.

_ooOoo_

Well I’m with the poet on a lot of the things she loves to hate. In opening that morning’s now defunct The Writer’s Almanac, the word “Mozart” caught my eye. I can’t say I hate Mozart, but most of what I call his “twiddley music” annoys me and could give me the jitters. It isn’t melodic, lyrical or smooth. I can’t hum it to myself as I can “Finlandia.” 

But I digress…

…things I hate:

·         Yes – those tickers on tomatoes, and peaches, and apples, and pears too

·         Yes also to deconstruction. Who cares what the author or composer meant? Shut up and enjoy the work.

·         Doilies? Does anyone use doilies these days?

·         People who don’t read to the end of anything - email, article, book, announcement – and then go off halfcocked, ranting and raving about something they’d have known if they’d have read the whole thing – ah, well!

·         And also – old people who think they can do or say anything they want, just because they’re old

·         Vegetables like kale and broccolini that have become diet darlings – and isn’t there a new diet darling each week?

·         Wearing anything that looks like it was made out of an American flag

·         Celebrity singers at sports events who murder our national anthem - our anthem should be sung belted out by the whole crowd.

·         Cable TV stations that repeat the same old programs ad nauseum – I’m not sure how they justify their existence to the FCC, but I’m sure they stay in business to rake in the advertising dollars.

My list might go on forever – ad nauseum – but that’s enough for now. If you are so inclined, you can click on “Curmudgeon” on my list of Topic of Interest, over there on the right.

The poet and I think the same way: I love loving so much after that.

TRENDING NOW

One of the latest additions to my favorite shelter site, Houzz is “Trending Now: 10 Dream Baths That Have it All.”  Ah yes – huge bathrooms with walk-in showers and multiple shower heads, enormous soaking tubs, the latest patterns in tile floors and walls, and views guaranteed to send you to a Nirvana-like state of mind. Plenty of storage, sometimes lots of veined marble, exotic plants, heated towel racks, heated floors, and mirrors galore. And always, always, big, fluffy white towels.

Like any piece in any shelter magazine or website, the homes and décor shown far a far cry from what’s possible for most of us homeowners, especially us senior citizens. Oh, once I might have loved a huge soaking tub – the huger the better, all the better to accommodate my not insignificant embonpoint. Today, I’m happy to have a shower with proper grab bars and a handy place to sit if I need to, or rest my leg on so I can wash my nether parts. With my generally stiff self, and poor legs and knees, there is no way now that I’ll be able to get in or out of a tub.

All of the trendy bathroom things are very nice, and were I in a position to do so, I’d not turn up my nose at any of them with one exception: big, white, fluffy towels. Big? Alright, nice. Fluffy? Well, how do they dry? But White? Get real! White towels are for the desperate homeowner following her realtor’s over-the-top run down of what sells a house. White is for people who never, ever lift a finger, never wear makeup, never do garden work, house work, or work on their car, and never sweat at all.  Well...

This whole Trending Now thing is absurd, even more so on the television news broadcasts. You’re supposed to pay close attention so that you remain “in the know” about what’s important in the not-so-important, superficial world around us. I am quite “in the know” in my own sphere, and have no need to be trendy.

Speaking of useless filler, I’m convinced that the TV station people lie awake at night thinking of how to fill an hour or two of what’s called News. One of my favorite useless things is the Storm Trackers they send out in bad weather. I’d like to know who is driving in their own car while watching the Storm Tracker. And what about the traffic reports? Radio? Good idea, but on TV? Do some commuters have their spouses watch the traffic report and all them on their cell phone to report in? Well, enough of that for today.

THINK ABOUT IT...

Here's a curmudgeonly article I concocted for the magazine. It was meant to be a companion piece to a article about the pulling down of controversial memorial statues, along with a article about one statue honoree whose contributions, in retrospect, are unpalatable to us today. None of the articles saw print. They were deemed to be a bit too controversial for our community content. 

Recent developments have seen the removal from Central Park of that statue honoree, Dr.J. Marion Sims, the "Father of Gynecology," who is now known to have experimented, without anesthesia, on slave women. The stature was moved to Green-Wood Cemetery in Brooklyn. Already exiled to that cemetery in 2012 was the statue memorial to Civic Virtue. A cemetery seems like great place for any controversial statues because the residents, including my in-laws in Green-Wood, really won't care, and their visitors are few and far between. 

Now - 

Think about it...

...Is it good – or is it bad - that we live in an age where not only are we aware of past and present injustices, we want to, and have the privilege and the means to, discuss them, dissect them, and deconstruct them? It’s unfortunate that we don’t have a magic wand to right them.

America’s history is, among other things good – and bad – a continuation of the history of the world. Man’s inhumanity to man has been a means of power, profit, and the promulgation of selected ideals and causes since time began.

Very few of us would score well on a test of our aptitude for being a judge, a mediator, or a diplomat. In any given situation, most of us will fall heavily on the side toward which our lifelong-learned biases propel us.

History is rife with injustices. For many reasons, the basic one being lack of widespread and timely communications, past generations knew less, had less to say, and few to say it to. An old Chinese proverb holds that “Heaven is high and the emperor is far away.” And so the local injustices, petty or serious, went on locally, and the emperor’s word, his laws, his injustices, often affected relatively few. We Americans are focused on our own problems, often only casually interested in the injustice going on in the rest of the world. Is that good, or is that bad?

Today we have mass, speedy communications. From the Washington Post in print and online, to Twitter, the word spreads quickly about injustice, perceived or real. Political, social, or economic, it all comes under the heading of human injustice. Every day the rhetoric seems to be more heated.

It is good – or is it bad – that people feel free to comment and criticize from their own personal pulpit and prospective? For example, trivial though it may seem, was it good - or was it bad – that the fashion industry was chastised for not complaining how the Neo-Nazis were dressed at a protest?

Is it good – or is it bad – that there is a movement to remove any statue or monument to those involved in the Civil War?

Is it good – or is it bad – that it has come to the point where our country is up in arms about arms?

Is it good – or is it bad – that our congressional leaders of opposing parties go back and forth with accusations, blame, and partisan posing?

Is it good - or is it bad - that a list of questions like these could go on for pages?

Everyone and anyone is free to voice and justify their opinion about injustice – it’s our right as Americans. More people are voicing and justifying their ideas for solutions, but too few are listening to them with open, educated minds.

Sometimes it’s thought that we really don’t want to wipe out injustice because all we’d have left to discuss would be the wind and the weather and what to have for supper. We’d have no different flags to fly or anthems to sing, no statues to raise or to tear down, no profit to be made. In this age of justification, that’s simplistic, but not far from the truth.

Is that good, or is that bad? Think about it.

SHELTER SITES

Just as there are shelter magazines like Architectural Digest, Southern Living, and Better Homes and Gardens, there are what I call shelter websites. Depending on the frequency of their emails, or perhaps I’ve bookmarked them, I check at least one every day. My favorite is Houzz, but I get updates from The Spruce, Real Simple, and others. Every once in a while I save an interesting picture or idea from one of them. One never knows from whence inspiration will some, do one?

But lately I’ve been shutting down on these websites. My house is probably in its last decorating scheme. I’m not going out to get a new shade of paint for the walls, or to reupholster my couch. I’m not going to rearrange my living room. So except for being able to admire some beautifully decorated rooms, genuine eye candy, I really don’t need to take up time at my laptop to view such shelter sites. Besides which…

I am an organized person, and I don’t need 10 Ideas for Decluttering Your Kitchen, 10 Tips for Using Leftovers, (I rarely have leftovers) or 10 Hacks for Paring Down Your Wardrobe. That last one – hacks – really annoys the heck out of me. A hack is a hackney, a cab. Or it’s what you do to cut down a tree. Maybe they use hack to cut down a problem, as they do for cutting into someone’s computer. Anyway…

One of the most annoying things to me is the concept of a “retreat.” I’ve blogged about this in years past, and the concept still annoys me. Houzz has oodles of articles on bathroom retreats. Just search for “retreat” on their website, and you’ll find over a thousand of them. I usually get a chuckle visualizing the poor, harried folks who must retreat from their fraught, stressed lives and beat a hasty retreat from it all.

So that’s my rambling for the morning. I had nothing pithy or clever to post on today’s blog, so I thought I’d do a minor rant.

Next time, the curmudgeon in me may take on the subject of the strange hairdos many of the gals are sporting these days. They look like they’ve been in a high wind, or they wound their curlers wrong. Maybe next time…

WORST USE OF A TREE

On Arbor Day in 2015 I posted an article with the poem “Trees Need Not Walk the Earth” and a story about my oldest granddaughter. I took another look at that blog this week, and I was struck with the almost offhand caption I wrote for the picture below:

“…and the First Prize is awarded for The Best Use of a Tree”

In these recent years, I have become more and more aggravated by the worst use of a tree: junk mail and catalogs. Truly, almost all the paper in our weekly recycling is just that: junk. It comes in and goes right into the bin. It’s a shame. 

SIMPLY: KEEP OUT

“Due to the size of the equipment, the gate will be removed along with a small section of fence. Heavy gauge safety fencing will be installed during this period of time and, for safety purposes, it is asked that all residents and personnel outside of the contractors refrain from accessing the pool deck during this time… …We will keep you posted as timelines and other updates are received…”

The above two sentences were part of an email sent yesterday to our association homeowners by the community management. It made me give a mental tsk, tsk. It brought out the curmudgeon in me, ready to write a blog post. When I copied and pasted he sentences to a blank Word .doc, the first thing the grammar and usage check didn’t like was “period of time.” That one hadn’t bothered me. What did make me cringe were those last lines. The writer should have kept it simple (K.I.S.S.) and written “we ask everyone but the contractors to keep out of the pool area until further notice.”

When presented with contrived, stilted writing, and we seem to get more and more of it lately, my mind begins to skim the text, noting what I need to know, eager to get to the end and find the X to delete the whole thing. 

ESSENTIAL INFORMATION - NOT

Are they serious? On this morning's installment of the daily email from Simplemost, they offered up this essential information: These Are the Most Popular Disney Channel Original Movies in Every State. 

Someone rally believed we needed to know this information. Someone paid someone else, or several someones, to canvass the population for this information. Someone organized the data, and someone prepared the map graphics. Folks, this is the scientific process at its lowest ebb.

Add these useless facts to the recent rash of "alternative facts" and we've got a truly informed population here in America.

"And I am unanimous in this"

MR. TRUMP AND SCIENTIFIC METHODS

In the ages of man, especially in the years BCE, scientists have discovered many truths. Prior to previous beliefs, we now believe, we now know for sure, that the earth is round, that it is not the center of the universe, that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, that everything is made up of atoms and molecules, that living things carry their biological heritage in their DNA, that planes can fly and so can bees, and what goes up must come down. We thank Galileo, Newton, Crick, and so many others who used what we now call “scientific methods” for discovering these things.

We’ve come to trust the truths, confirmed again and again, that scientific methods uncover for us. Why doesn’t President Trump? Why does he doubt global warming and man’s part in it? Why does he question verified truths of various kinds? Doesn’t he believe the world is round?

     

WELL, I MEAN

Well, I mean,  good grief and holey socks, where did “well, I mean” spring from? On a racing news program a few days ago, an interviewer asked a race car driver what it meant to miss out on the championship. The driver began with “Well, I mean, …”  It wasn’t the first time I’d heard someone begin their answer with “Well, I mean…” He hadn’t yet said anything that needed further explanation or qualification. I’ve even heard one or two start off with “Yes, no, well I mean…” Why do so many interviewees start their reply as though they’d already given an answer?

Not every interviewee on the planet starts off with this strange qualification, but there are enough of them to notice a trend, and to have it really annoy me. 

WALK BACK

Earlier this month (and before all the latest revelations of several of his more salacious, remarks) …

…Ayotte walks back Trump role model comments

By Cristiano Lima

In an awkward debate moment, she had said Trump was 'absolutely' a role model for children.

I'm surmising that an idiom like this begins when a person first uses it and someone else understands what was meant. Then that person who understood it uses it again, and again. Walk back - why not just say retracted? No wonder people from other countries can’t understand a word we say.

Senator Ayotte didn’t use the idiom, Politico did. But anyone who thought, even for a moment, that Donald Trump was a role model for children has, to use a popular idiom, a screw loose.

DONALD TRUMP AND SIDNEY

Well I’ll be dipped if I can find an on-line reference to it, but I distinctly remember most of a jingle that, on the early days of television, regularly played on, I believe it was NYC Channel 5 – the DuMont station. DuMont was always supportive of minorities, and they regularly aired public service messages like the one about Sidney S. Snigglegrass. It was sung to a lively tune:

Sidney S. Snigglegrass, Jr. was told

Of a magical lamp with a genii of old.

When he rubbed on the lamp

Came a great flash of fire,

And the genii appeared saying:

“What’s your desire?”

Said Sidney: “It’s my desire that every man of foreign descent 

                       be sent 

                         back to where he came from.”

And bam! The oceans were jammed,

Boats and barges appeared,

And thousands and thousands

Of folks lined the piers.

And on it went, until Sidney, holding his magical lamp, was the only one left on the pier. I’m surprised that Sidney himself wasn’t whisked away. I can’t dredge any more of the song out of my memory banks, and I couldn’t find it on Google.

What it said then, and what it means now, should be a lesson to Donald (The Mouth) Trump: this nation was built, and is still building, by people of foreign descent. What’s your background Donald? Many races, many colors, many creeds, along with the people who lived here to begin with: we’re not quite yet the “melting pot” we’d like to be. There are still distinct lumps in the soup, but we’re stirring like crazy and it should be a delicious mix when it’s done. We can’t go along with any loud mouth who declares that the borders should be closed and the nation fenced in.  

And I am unanimous in this. 

YEAH, I MEAN...

This has been annoying me for quite some time now, but this morning, hearing “Yeah, I mean” used again and again, I felt it was time to bring out the curmudgeon in me and get out a brief blog on the phrase.

I have heard too many interviewees, mostly sports personalities, begin their answer to an interviewer’s question by saying “Yeah, I mean.” The interviewer may not even have asked them a yes or no question, but those are the first words of the reply.

Geeeeze Loueeeze, why don’t you say what you meant in the first place?  Is this a stalling tactic so that you can come up with a reasonable answer?  Do you even know what you mean?

     “Champ, how as it out there today?”

     “Yeah, I mean, it was brutal"

Where did this come from? When will it end? 

Yeah, I mean.

APPLE THIEVES

A while ago I read a bit of news about apple thieves. The piece, from Atlas Obscura, told of a gal, driving a Mercedes which indicates her level of income, who was caught by the police after she pilfered a bag’s worth of apples from a Massachusetts orchard.

Why do folks think such road-side produce is theirs for the taking? Like Massachusetts, New York is big orchard and farm country. Nothing like the vast acres of fields further west, but important none the less. When we lived in upstate New York, a local farmer planted a field of field corn, feed for livestock, by the end of our dirt road. He, probably like many other farmers, had to plant sweet corn in the first few rows surrounding the field. If he didn’t do this, thieves who didn’t like the feed corn would trash the field. Go figure.

The piece included this bit:

When someone at his farm catches a thief they almost always plead ignorance. “Oh, I didn’t know they were somebody’s apples,” he says they tell him. His response? “Well that’s kind of stupid.” 

Stupid? It’s downright self-serving. We passed that corn field each growing season for twenty years, and never even thought to take an ear or two. That gal didn’t just wander down that road by chance: she’d probably gone by several times. She, like others of her mind set, knew it was an orchard, not just a lone old apple tree still putting out fruit in an abandoned field by the side of the road.

Each time I hear a story like this one I am appalled and annoyed all over again. What are these people thinking? Then I just calm down and realize once again that this is the way a lot of the world works. It’s the way the world has been working more and more of late. Every Tom, Dick and Harry, every radical group, thinks it’s entitled. It stinks!

PUSHING PUMPKINS

There’s a new ‘drug’ around: pumpkin. The pumpkin production people have raised their heads out of the pumpkin patch and decided to really push pumpkin.  No longer do we have just pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread, but everyone has followed the success of Starbucks pumpkin coffees, lattes and such. I say, “Why wouldya?”

Today is the first day of fall, and along with canned pumpkin for pies and real pumpkins for carving, on this morning’s Harris Teeter on-line flier we have from them, in alphabetical order no less -

On the Dairy page:

International Delight Pumpkin Spice Creamer

Nestles Pumpkin Spice Coffee Mate

Philadelphia Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese

Pillsbury Grands Pumpkin Spice Rolls

Pillsbury Ready-to-Bake Pumpkin Cookies

And on the Grocery Page:

Alpine Spice Pumpkin Cider Mix (Don't mess with a good thing!)

Bigs Cinnamon Sugar Pumpkin Seeds

Blue Diamond Pumpkin Almonds – (I’d love to know how they did this. I

        Guess that the artificial flavors guys got in on this recipe.)

Boulder Potato Chips – Turkey Gravy and Pumpkin Flavors (really???)

Bigelow Fall Harvest Pumpkin Spice Tea Bags and Tea Cups

Clif Bars Pumpkin or Gingerbread – (well, gingerbread is o.k.)

Creative Snacks Pumpkin Granola

G.H. Cretors Pumpkin Caramel Popcorn - (pumpkin and caramel – no!)

Gevalia and Green Mountain Pumpkin K-Cups

International Delight Pumpkin Latte Mix

McCormick Pumpkin Pie Extract - (they extracted something from a Pumpkin

        Pie?  Holey Socks!)

Pioneer Pumpkin Pancake Mix - (close, but no cigar)

Salem Pumpkin Spice shortbread Cookie - (now that one I might go for)

Stonewall Kitchens Maple Pumpkin Spread – (anything from Stonewall  

         Kitchens is great, I’ve been buying their products since they first  

         started and were selling their wares in a tent at a Manchester,  

         Vermont craft fair, so this one is o.k. by me. Might be like pumpkin 
         pie on toast! Yum.)       

Terra Pumpkin Spice Chips

Pumpkin pie is one of my very, very favorite things from about late, I say late fall into the holidays. We’re still two months away from that. It’s even a bit too early to carve a pumpkin – by Halloween it will be a shriveled pile of mush.

Poor guy, can't find his dentures.

I’m always pleased that only maybe 50% of those around our Thanksgiving table like pumpkin pie because that means more for me, especially the next morning. In my estimation, pumpkin pie is the breakfast of champions.

I’m really not interested in ersatz pumpkin in mid-September, and it is amazing to me that anyone would want their potato chips or coffee to taste like pumpkin. Some of the sweeter stuff is o.k., but pumpkin almonds?

What’s next: broccoli?

The Curmudgeon has spoken, and I am
unanimous in this!

      

NO WHIFFETS HERE

I remember how they picked me up, a spindly kid,
Pinching and poking my thin ribs
Till I lay in their laps, laughing,
Weak as a whiffet;

    From Frau Bauman, Frau Schmidt, and Frau Schwartze, by Theodore Roethke

Definition of WHIFFET  :  a small, young, or unimportant person

It seems to me that there are no longer any whiffets, any “small, young, or unimportant” persons – especially the unimportant ones. The adage from the 1400’s that “children should be seen and not heard” has fallen by the wayside.

As soon as they are able to chip in with their two-cents-worth of opinion, today’s children speak right up. Not only do they speak right up, they talk back too. None of this “but Mom!” No, they have fully conceived arguments that they proceed to voice, not whining, but in an assertive and insistent tone. I’d like to smack the little buggers.

  

ANTICIPATORY WEARINESS

In, Beastly Things, one of her wonderful books featuring the Venetian policeman, Commissario Guido Brunetti, the author, Donna Leon, relates how he reacts to a summons to the Vice-Questore’s office: “the obligation to deal with his superior often filled Brunetti with anticipatory weariness.”

I read that sentence and it was a bit of an ‘aha’ moment. That’s just what happens when the phone rings at dinner time. It is invariably the doctor’s office calling to remind us of an appointment in two days. I can’t just ignore it because I know what it is. No, I have to answer and speak loudly in the phone so their machine will start its message, and then hold on for a while.

If I don’t, the call will go to voicemail and I will have to go through the rigmarole of dialing in and pushing the buttons to get it off. I suppose it is a good thing that they remind us – we’re not infallible - but it does fill me with anticipatory weariness.

And why is it, speaking of anticipatory weariness, that when you call in to any automated phone system they ask you to “please listen carefully, as our menu has changed.” Even before you call you can anticipate this spiel. I’ve been calling in to some companies with great regularity for several years – they always say “our menu has changed”, and no, it hasn’t! For most of them I’ve learned just when I can press the remembered number to get me where I want to go.  If it is a new company to me, I just jeep hitting “O”, which is really the zero, for a human.  Look ma, no operators anymore!

Life is full of little bouts of anticipatory weariness. I know I have to come up with a pleasant answer each and every week when the checkout clerk at the supermarket asks me if I need a hand out with the groceries. It’s nice of them to ask, they always do, but I’d rather be the one to ask when I do need help. But I try to be polite.

Then there’s the perky or too genial waitperson or manager in a restaurant – they come in both genders – who interrupts your meal to ask you if you are enjoying it. O.K., chew and swallow, or break up your lovely conversation to formulate a polite answer. What I’d really like to tell them that the meal is fine, it’s their interruption I object to. But I try to be polite. Over the last forty years, my husband and I dined regularly at several restaurants. Other than the wonderful food at each, what we enjoyed was our uninterrupted meals. If something was wrong, and on a rare few occasions it was, our problem was noticed and seen too at once. Now that’s service!

There’s a bit of anticipatory weariness in many things: having to listen to all the back-patting and humor before they get to the meat of an awards ceremony; having to sit to wait while dozens of other people’s kids get their diplomas; seeing a person you’d rather avoid but can’t; agreeing to go to a family function where you know you’re not going to enjoy yourself; the daily commute. I’m sure you can add to this list.

None of these situations are life threatening, but they are less than pleasant, even less than just neutral. We put on our big girl panties and deal with them, being courteous, polite, gracious, and, above all, civil.  We suffer it out and offer it up.  -

Yes, there is no terror in the bang, in handling the inevitable: it’s the anticipation of things like the wait and the process that gets us down.

Keep those halos polished.